Beginning to End
by IronicT-Shirt
Summary: Pretty complex fic. There's murder, revenge, romance, ghosts, and other stuff. Title changed because the other title was stupid.
1. Chapter 1

**Before anyone reads this:**

 **Please,** ** _please_** **don't take this seriously. It's a joke fic, and a really bad joke fic, at that. I started writing it for my brother, so of has some inside jokes between me and him, but I'm posting it here anyway, because otherwise it just sits on my computer taking up space.**

 **So, I'm putting this in the Homestuck section, but there are other fandoms too. Lord of the Rings, Death Note, Welcome to Night Vale, RWBY, and probably way more. I'm still writing this, because I have no life.**

 **I may or may not post anything decent on this account. I probably will eventually. I'm actually a fairly good writer when I want to be (I did not want to be while writing this fanfic).**

 **Anyway, again, this is a joke, everyone is OOC on purpose, please don't hate me.**

Once upon a time Legolas was riding a horse.

"What a cool horse," he said.

Then his horse stepped on Equius.

"Oh shit," Legolas said.

"OH THE IRONY," said Equius, and then he died.

Nepeta attacked Legolas, and he nobly fended her off and rode into the woods. Then he was lost. He kept riding because he didn't know what else to do. Then his horse died for no reason and he had to walk. He decided to take his horse with him for food, though.

As he was walking, he found a crabcake in the woods.

"Oh look more food," Legolas said, picking up the crabcake.

"WHAT THE FUCK," the crabcake said.

"Oh, you're alive?" said Legolas.

"FUCKETY," said the crabcake.

"Would you like to be my companion?" asked Legolas.

"NO," said the crabcake.

Legolas put the crabcake in his companion pocket. Then he kept walking.

"Hello," said a random voice.

"Who are you?" Legolas asked.

"No one," said the random voice.

"Oh okay," said Legolas.

The random voice was never relevant again.

Then Legolas got to a friendly desert community where the sun was hot, the moon was beautiful, and mysterious lights passed overhead while all its weird ass citizens pretended to sleep.

"Wait how am I in a desert I was just in the woods," Legolas said.

Shut up, said the narrator.

Legolas walked into the town. Someone walked by eating feathers. Legolas was confused.

"Why are you confused?" Cecil asked.

"Who are you?" Legolas asked.

"Cecil," said Cecil.

"Oh. Hi Cecil," Legolas said to Cecil.

"Hi," Cecil said, not to Cecil. "Why are you dragging a gigantic dead horse around?"

Then Legolas was eaten by an escaped librarian.

"Oh," said Cecil.

Then he and Carlos went to their house and made hot science.

"FUCKETY," said a lone voice.

It was the crabcake, who had survived the librarian attack.

The crabcake dragged itself along the dusty streets.

"I'M NOT A CRABCAKE," said the crabcake. "I'M JUST A NORMAL TROLL. MY NAME'S KARKAT. I'M NOT EVEN DRAGGING MYSELF I'M JUST WALKING LIKE A NORMAL GODDAMN PERSON."

The crabcake dragged itself along the dusty streets.

"I HATE YOU," said the crabcake.

Then Earl came and took the horse to eat.

"WHY DO ALL OF YOU FREAKS WANT TO EAT THAT HORSE," said the crabcake. "I'M LEAVING. THIS TOWN IS WEIRD."

Then the crabcake suddenly appeared in Equestria.

"OH FUCK NO," said the crabcake.

Then the dead horse appeared next to him, along with Earl. Earl looked very confused. The horse looked very dead.

All the Equestrian ponies screamed at the dead horse and ran away in terror. The dead horse lay on the ground, being dead. The crabcake shrieked. Earl cried because he hated his life.

"WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" asked the crabcake.

"Where did my son come from?" said Earl.

"WHAT'S A SON?" asked the crabcake.

"I don't know anymore!" said Earl.

"UMMM...OKAY. HEY, SO DO YOU NEED SOME HELP, OR..."

Earl didn't respond. He just starting eating the dead horse. All the poor Equestrian ponies were traumatized. All the pony therapists' income level went up 88% after that day.

"It was horrible," Rarity said in an interview done for the documentary filmed five years later, titled 'the Secret Lives of Ponies.' "Our lives were never the same." She wiped a tear from her cheek.

"UH...RIGHT, OKAY. I'M GONNA BE GOING, THEN," said the crabcake, going.

He kept going until he had goed all the way to Japan.

All the anime characters in the world jumped on him, shouting things like, "Kawaii!" "Nya!" and "CARTOONS AND ANIME ARE DIFFERENT YOU STUPID WEEABOO UGGGH."

The crabcake suffocated and the narrator never had to switch back and forth repeatedly between normal capitalization and caps lock ever again.

But in the shadows, there was the one anime character who did not participate.

It was...Hello!

Wait, fuck, what the hell, Autocorrect.

"Lips," said Autocorrect.

What?

"I meant Lola," said Autocorrect. "I mean lolz."

Okay, whatever.

It was...Jello!

Fricking...

It was...Mello!

Oh thank god.

Jello was too emo and angsty to participate in any squealing and/or suffocating. He turned to his sidekick, Autocorrect.

"Autocorrect, we will get our revenge," he said.

"For want?" asked Autocorrect.

"What?" asked Mellon.

"For what?" asked Autocorrect.

"Oh. Against Near!" said Bellow, looking out of the pile of anime characters.

Near sat at the top of the pile of anime characters, playing with toys. Narrow narrowed his eyes.

"Yes," Jello said. "We will get our revenge."

In the meantime, Earl was still eating a horse.

Ponies were crying.

Earl was crying.

Everyone was dead inside.

Finally, all the anime characters returned to their houses, including Near.

"This is our chance," Solo said.

"Play," said Autocorrect. "Km reach."

"Shut the fuck up and stop changing my name," Cello said.

"Worry," said Autocorrect. "I mean, sorry."

"Whew," said Mello. "That feels much better."

Together, Mello and Autocorrect trekked to Bear's house. It was a long journey. It took ten painstaking minutes.

"Did you just change Near's name to Bear?" asked Mello.

Autocorrect nodded.

"But Near is a word," Mello said. "At least my name's not a real word."

Autocorrect shrugged. He didn't understand how he worked. He just knew that everyone hated him, despite his occasional helpfulness.

"I just helper someone's spell occasional," said Autocorrect.

"Uh-huh, that's great," Mello said, knocking on Bear's door.

Near opened the door and shot Mello in the head.

Autocorrect ran away.

Near blew the smoke from his gun all coolly and shit the door.

"I hate you so much, Autocorrect," said Near.

Near blew the smoke from his gun all coolly and shut the door.

"I'm an action hero," whispered Near.

"FUCKETY," said a lone voice.

Darn it, I thought you were dead.

And Cecil and Carlos finished making hot science.

Then Jeff walked up to Near's house and knocked on the door.

Near opened it.

"The fuck do you want?" Near asked.

"The fuck do I not want?" Jeff asked.

"Whoa," said Near.

"FUCK," said crabcake.

"Why the hell is that crabcake talking?" asked Near.

"I'M NOT A GODDAMN CRABCAKE," said the crabcake.

Jeff stepped into Near's house and shut the door.

"Are we having sex?" Near asked.

"No. We're standing in your house."

"No. I meant, like, later or something."

"No I'm a heterosexual," Jeff said.

"Oh. Me too," Near lied.

"I'm here to talk to you about something very different," Jeff said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"The fuck is it, then?"

"You just committed murder."

"No I didn't," Near said.

"There's a dead body right outside your house."

"It's not my dead body."

"I saw you shoot him."

"I have a twin."

"Where is he, then?" Jeff asked.

"I killed him."

"..." Jeff said.

Near realized his mistake. "Oh," he said. "Shit," he said.

"It's fine, though," said Jeff. "My middle name is The, and my last name is Killer."

"So you kill people?" Near asked.

"Yeah. Sorta weird how my name worked out like that. Anyway," Jeff reached out a hand, "I would like you to join me in my mission to kill everyone."

Near took his hand, and they stepped out into the sunlight together.

"Okay, so now where are we going?" Near asked.

"I dunno. I never know what to do after dramatically romantic moments."

"Romantic?" Near asked.

"Yeah. I'm heterosexual, though," Jeff said.

"Oh. Me too," Near lied.


	2. Chapter 2

**Gonna keep posting this because I don't really have anything else to do with my life.**

 **...**

The dead horse was still being eaten.

Applejack was traumatized.

She cried.

Life is pointless.

...

The crabcake walked up to Near's house.

Mello's dead body lay on the ground.

The crabcake cried and stepped around the body to go into Near's house.

"I'M NOT A CRABCAKE THOUGH," the crabcake said.

Then the crabcake had to pee.

"WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?" the crabcake said.

He walked around the house looking for a bathroom. He couldn't find one. He peed in the kitchen sink on all the dirty dishes. Then he felt bad, so he washed the dishes. Then he ate all of Near's food and left the house.

...

In Middle Earth, Sauron was an eye.

"I see that Legolas has been slain," he said. "Slain by these...librarians. I will start an army of librarians and take over the world! Saruman, come here!"

Saruman walked over.

"Saruman," Sauron said, "since I am just a weird fiery eye, I cannot walk. Go round up a librarian army for me."

"Have you ever noticed that our name are, like, twinsies?" Saruman said.

"Shut the fuck up and go get me some librarians."

"Whatevs."

Saruman got into his pink Porsche and drove away.

Gollum made gross noises.

"Come back and kick it for me," Sauron shouted after Saruman.

Saruman drove back. "Ew WTF," he said, and kicked Gollum.

Gollum ran away.

"Hi, I am autocorrelation," Autocorrect said.

"It can't even spell its own name correctly," Sauron said. "Kick it, too."

"OMG, like, go away," Saruman said, kicking Autocorrect.

Autocorrect ran away.

"Okay, leave now," Sauron said to Saruman.

Saruman got back into his car.

Autocorrect found Gollum hiding behind a rock.

"Jello," said Autocorrect. "Would you like to form a plan for reverse? I mean, revenge?"

Gollum made another gross noise.

"Ew," said Autocorrect, and left.

"I think that I will be friends with Bear," Autocorrect said. "Mellow was mean to me, and Bear was his enemy."

Autocorrect went to find Near.

...

Near was with Jeff. They were having a picnic in the woods.

"Do you want some tea?" Jeff said.

"We have tea?" Near asked.

"No. I was just thinking about it."

"Oh."

Jeff leaned his head on Near's shoulder. "It's very peaceful here."

"Yes, it is," Near said.

Jeff touched Near's hand gently.

Autcorrect tripped into the clearing.

"Oh, sorry, Bear! I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

Jeff quickly moved away. "I'm a heterosexual."

"Me too," Near lied.

"I am also a stride dual," said Autocorrect.

"What?" asked Jeff.

"I think he tried to say that he was heterosexual," said Near.

"Fail," said Jeff.

"I want to be friends with you guys!" said Autocorrect.

"Okay, whatever. My name's Jeff," said Jeff.

"Bello, Need! I'm Autocorrect."

"Need?" asked Jeff.

"I don't even know," said Near.

"Okay, whatever," Jeff said. "Yo Autocorrect, you want to help us?"

"With what?" asked Autocorrect.

"Murder, mostly."

"Oh, yeah, that sounds fun," said Autocorrect, because he was a loser and was desperate to seem cool.

...

In Equestria, Earl got tired of eating the horse and decided to go do something else with his life.


	3. Chapter 3

Saruman drove through the woods. Suddenly, his Porsche broke down.

"That wouldn't have happened if you had a Ford," said a random redneck.

"I only drive a Chevy," said another random redneck.

"OMG, ew," said Saruman.

Then Nepeta killed the rednecks.

"Thanks, guuurl," said Saruman.

"The fuck?" Nepeta said.

"You should totes help me out," said Saruman.

"With what?" asked Nepeta.

"Me and Sauron are, like, hiring a ton of librarians and stuff," said Saruman.

"Librarians?"

"Totally. A librarian killed Legolas, so we're making an awesomesauce army out of them."

"Legolas and his horse killed my moirail. I killed the horse in revenge, but I couldn't murder Legolas in time. I will join you, since these librarians carried out my revenge for me."

"Coolio," said Saruman. "My car broke down, though."

"I stole a Chevy from that dumb redneck when I killed him," said Nepeta. "We can drive in that. If it breaks down, we can use the Ford."

They got into the Chevy and drove away.

...

The crabcake was walking around outside aimlessly.

"WHY DID THAT DUMB BLOND GIRL HAVE TO PUT ME IN HER POCKET," the crabcake said. "I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PART OF THIS."

"I'm a boy," Legolas's ghost said.

"OH HOLY JESUS'S MOTHER'S ASSHOLE IT'S A GHOST," said the crabcake.

"Ew," said Legolas. "Anyway, someone brought me back to life. I need you to talk to her. There is something you need to know about."

"NO I HATE YOU," the crabcake said.

"Shut up. You're just a stupid crabcake," said Legolas.

"I'M NOT A GODDAMN CRABCAKE."

"Really? Because you look pretty eatable. ;) ;) ;)"

"EDIBLE."

"What?"

"IT'S PRONOUNCED EDIBLE."

"That doesn't make any sense. But this isn't important! We have to go talk to...ARADIA."

...

Earl was wandering around Equestria. He didn't know what to do. He never knew what to do.

"I should just kill myself," he said.

One of the pony therapists that was suddenly making so much money popped out of nowhere. "I heard you were suicidal!"

"I guess so," Earl said.

"That's great news! $35 for one session."

"I have to pay for food for my son, though," Earl said.

"Oh, you have a son?"

"I don't even know anymore...I don't know anything anymore."

"Oh dear, are you having an existential crisis?"

"Who knows? Are existential crises even real?"

"Yes. Yes they are. And you are definitely having one. Here's my business card." The therapist pony handed Earl a nail file and walked away.

"This isn't a business card," Earl said.

"Let's not question things, Earl," Cecil said.

"Jesus Christ, where did you come from."

"I was just making hot science with Carlos behind that dumpster and then I heard you questioning things again, so I had to step in."

Carlos waved from behind the dumpster.

"Is that why you're not wearing any pants?" Earl asked.

"Probably."

Then Cecil had a prophetic vision.

"A man named Derek Welsh is looking out the window at a squirrel right now," he said.

"I totally have to go study that," Carlos said, leaving.

"Wait, Carlos, you left your clothes behind!" Cecil called.

Carlos's clothes cried. "He always does this!" they said.

"Fucking right?" Cecil said.

"Do you think deer might actually be robots?" Earl asked.

...

Jeff, Near, and Autocorrect walked through the woods.

"Wait, do share the plan exact on?" Autocorrect asked.

"Shut the fuck up," said Jeff. "No one knows what you're saying and you're everyone's least favorite character."

"I know," said Autocorrect.

"Wait, so what's the plan exactly?" Near asked.

"We kill people," said Jeff.

"Chat it?" Autocorrect asked.

"I don't want to chat about anything with you," Jeff said.

Autocorrect considered suicide.

"That's it?" Near asked.

"Yeah, that's it. Oh, look, an innocent civilian!" Jeff said.

"That's a fire hydrant," Near said.

"Damn, you're right," Jeff said.

...

Saruman and Nepeta were in Night Vale, picking up librarians and putting them in a shopping bag.

"These librarians are totes gross," Saruman said.

Nepeta ripped a librarian's throat out.

"OMG, did you just give that librarian a hickey? LOL you slut," Saruman said.

"What." Nepeta said.

"LOLOLOL." Saruman giggled, putting a librarian in his pocket.

"Your pockets are big enough to fit an entire librarian in them?" Nepeta asked.

"Um, yeah. Big pockets are super in this season," Saruman said.

Suddenly, Near, Jeff, and Autocracy burst into Night Vale!

...

An old, giant mansion sat on a tall hill. Lightning cracked behind it.

Roman Torchwick stared out a broken window ominously.

"It is time," he said.

Thunder boomed in the distance. It started to rain. Roman narrowed his eyes.

...

Legolas led the crabcake to Aradia's hive.

"Knock," Legolas said.

The crabcake knocked.

Aradia opened the door. She smiled creepily.

"OH JESUS FUCKING BUTTMUNCHER," the crabcake said, shutting the door.

"Wow rude," Legolas said.

"SORRY." The crabcake opened Aradia's door again. "I'M READY TO TALK NOW."

"Sauron hath found a way to kill us all!" Aradia said. "He hath found...librarians."

"Oh shit," Legolas said.

"Oh shit," Dave said.

"Oh shit," your mom said. (Buuuuuuurn.)

"WHAT?" the crabcake said.

Aradia disappeared.

"I NEED TO GO FIND SOME MORAL SUPPORT," the crabcake said.

"I'll go with you," Dave said.

They fucked off to Kanaya's hive.

The crabcake knocked on Kanaya's door.

She opened it. "Hello, Crabcake. I'm a little busy right now. I'm having my Gay Vampire Book Club meeting."

"I'M NOT A CRABCAKE. YOU HAVE A BOOKCLUB?"

"Yes. I am the leader."

"CAN I JOIN?"

"No. It's very exclusive. Only gay vampires can join."

"That sounds hella specific," Dave said. "Is there actually anyone else at your club?"

Kanaya looked offended and tried to close the door.

"WAIT, KANAYA, I NEED MORAL SUPPORT," the crabcake said.

"I don't give a _fuck_." Kanaya shifted into her alter ego, Kanaynay, put on a pair of shades, and slammed the door.

"Wow, that's harsh, man," Dave said.

Suddenly, they saw Pewdiepie running up to them in the distance!

 **...**

 **And the plot thickens.**


End file.
